Dogma and Child Development Part I: Spankings get a spanking
- Jul
- 19
I initially said to colleagues I wouldn’t write this post. But now I feel that I must. But before I broach this controversial subject, let me tell you why I am. We need to end the pendulum swings and dogma in child development. I am sure I will get flack from colleagues for writing this, and who knows – I might cost myself some potentially beneficial relationships in “the field”. But I didn’t strike out on my own to be afraid. So here goes:
The rigid mindset that “If you don’t completely agree that approach ‘X’ is completely evil, then this means that you think that hated approach ‘X’ is the best and only approach” does not move us forward.
My example of this comes from a discussion amongst colleagues over Twitter yesterday about spanking children – gasp! Yes, I know – it was unwise for me to discuss a nuanced topic over a social media tool that restricts us to 140 character soundbites. Point taken.
Some, rather condescendingly at times, were telling others that “it is never OK to spank a child”. I saw one article that was referenced (written by a journalist and quoted by a pediatrician) that talked about the use of naughty chairs instead. There was talk of “removing the child from the trouble situation to direct his thinking toward what he/she did wrong”. Then, the point was made about spanking: “all the child learns from this is that when you do something wrong, someone will hurt you”.
My response to this comes in the form of several points:
- There is an assumption here that when parents spank, they haven’t tried anything else, and they are never combining the spanking with conversations about why things are wrong. Certainly, this is the case with some parents, but not all.
- A couple of people assumed that if you are not a staunch spanking opponent, then you must be a spanking advocate. One can be neither. And a fully realized expert needs to be aware of this. I don’t advocate spanking, except as a last resort. When I work with children, I very rarely raise my voice. But I will yell if they are about to step off of a cliff. Now take this proverbially and apply it to the question of spanking.
- They cited evidence where children were made more violent or emotionally scarred by spanking for discipline, while ignoring the results of a Johns Hopkins study that shows this to be true – for Caucasian children, but not for African-American or Latino children. In case you are asking – every single one of these professionals I was debating with is Caucasian. This is not to say that many African-American parents are not against spanking. But the staunchest opponents seem to be affluent and white. Different culture, different practices. An astute former intern of mine mentioned that the African-American and Latino kids he worked with in Michigan would always trade stories about their spankings. They knew it as normal, and they knew it was for discipline. By the way, as an African-American child myself, I can attest to that. We trade stories. In front of and with our parents. And we all laugh about it as one of the trials of childhood. Right along with our loving and supportive parents.
- They fail to differentiate by child, or stage of development, or any other factor. They just said “children”.
- Some assume that they have the answer to every child. The naughty chair works for many children. It doesn’t work for some. Some children are naturally obstinate.
- Finally, there was a failure in the debate to differentiate hitting out of anger from spanking for discipline. There is, no matter how you slice it, a difference. Hitting in anger says “I hate who you are”. Spanking for discipline sometimes, in some contexts and cultures, says “I love you, but this will not fly and I am letting you know in no uncertain terms. You will feel this in your body.” Some cultures, some children, some situations, some parents.
We could have done better by parents if we said “Spanking should be used sparingly and never in anger. Here are some useful alternatives that you should try first. Children first and foremost need consistency, not your ire” . This would have gotten my ringing endorsement. Instead, I saw fear, anger, shame and condemnation.
That’s all. I have decided to make this a series of examples of dogma in child development. I hope you enjoy it and I hope to get your thoughts – but whether you agree or disagree I hope that your thoughts are well reasoned and allow for context.
Our Image of the “angry spanker”
I figured I might chime in here. I like what you said & the way you said it. Demographics: I am a relatively well-adjusted caucasian female from a middle class background. When I grew up, there was spanking & there was “butching” (not sure where the term came from). I don’t think I got spanked very often, but I know I got butched. It didn’t hurt me, just got my attention – “you stepped over the line”. I don’t feel scarred. I don’t feel abused. I would feel comfortable using the same methods with my future children. BUT… along with the butching I was taught to think about not only what I did, but why I did it and how it would make other people feel. I was also sometimes reminded that “I always love you, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you or what you did right this moment.” I think the multi-tiered approach is critical for any one piece to be effective. My two cents.
Laura – agreed! And I hope you didn’t get the impression that I was saying all Caucasians have a problem with spanking. I just wanted to bring this up as an example that shows there is a general effect of context and approach.
Spanking has its place, and time, and situation. I was spanked, hard and often, by my dad AND mom, and I deserved every one of them. My grandmother spanked me, with a switch that I had to go cut, (that was traumatic and an AWFULLY long walk), and I deserved it. I was kind of a “button pusher” and needed that type of discipline. Boys understand pain, and pain is a good educator. I knew I was loved, and I was being disciplined for having done whatever it was that I had done.
I spanked my girls when they were very young and their bad behavior merited it. I think the last time they received a spanking they couldn’t have been more than 4 or 5. I also loved them boatloads and expressed it readily.
As long as a parent disciplines their child consistently, without anger or “revenge”, and seeks to correct the strong will of the child to behave, spanking (which is MUCH different from beating) is a sound disciplinary tool. Kids will not be harmed by it, mentally, emotionally or physically, and may, as I have done, thank their parents for caring enough to correct their behavior when they had the opportunity to do so.
Steve, I have thanked my parents as well. I think that every child and situation is different. It seems that spanking should be held back, possibly as a last resort. It also seems that many kids never need it. I know I was a pretty obstinate kid, and needed it – but my parents NEVER spanked me in anger, and NEVER did it without explaining and reminding me of what they already tried. It was a 3rd strike kind of deal for us.
I was only spanked three times in my life by my father all before the age of 8. And even though looking back on it now as a young mother I don’t think they were truly warranted,I never felt emotionally scarred by it. It was just a part of growing up. However,what I am beginning to realize as I try to map out plans for raising my own daughter and disciplinarian styles, is that while my dad instilled a fear in me that my mother never did(because she never spanked me) and was able to exercise great control over me as a child, ultimately all I learned to do was lie to him as a teenager and later as an adult out of a deep rooted fear. I’ve always been able to be honest with my mother and have never been afraid of her. I never want my child to be afraid of me. I don’t think spanking is the best option but for some it may be necessary. I don’t judge,especially with a ten month old. Who knows what I’m in for down the line!
Good points Elizabeth. I think certainly that when spankings are meant to instill fear and are not combined with other approaches, they are ineffective, and potentially scarring (though not scarring in your case).
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this issue! You made some great points and I certainly appreciate your logical non-emotion drive tone (not any easy thing to do with touchy subjects). You did a good job of breaking down some of the assumptions that are made in this kind of discussion and clarifying that the stage of child development makes a difference. I also think it’s important to consider cultural differences and the reality that studies have show differing outcomes based on race/ethnicity.
But for me, even when it’s used in its most ideal form (after all other disciplinary attempts have failed, it’s coupled with an appropriate conversation, and not done an anger) I still can’t philosophically justify resorting to violence. It seems that at its core corporal punishment teaches behavior change through the fear of the threat of violence and on a deeper level justifies violence as a valid solution to problems (even if it is a last resort).
I think the best thing parents and caregivers can do to teach children is to provide ample positive reinforcement. Too often we think in terms of “getting rid” of negative behavior rather than “praising” positive behavior. If we front load positive reinforcement there will be less need for negative reinforcement. But inevitably children (at all levels of development) will need negative reinforcement at some point. I think it’s important that consequences be as natural and appropriate as possible relative to the negative behavior.
For instance a 4 year old that gets upset with her friend during a play date and hits him would be removed from the situation and told that “Hitting is not okay, you could really hurt someone! If you hit your friend you will be physically removed and no longer allowed to play with your friend or the toys (for a period of time).” Hopefully this will result in the behavior change: If I hit my friend they get hurt and I don’t get to play with them or the toys so I won’t hit. It doesn’t make sense to me that in that same example a caregiver would tell the child “I’ve told you multiple times that hitting is not okay and you’ve already had two timeouts so now it’s time for a spanking (time for me to hit you).” In this case the caregiver is displaying the exact behavior they wish to eliminate. The logical behavior change is: If I hit my friend they get hurt and I don’t get to play with them and I get hit so I won’t hit.
Everyone, points well taken. Though I will say that it seems that sometimes we equate all striking with violence.
Let’s discuss an example here. I have seen coaches on a football field smack a kid on the helmet in a hateful, violent way. I have also seen the same exact thing done in a loving, teaching way, where it elicits a sheepish smile. Just an example, and not an exact match – but I think the point is illustrated there about context and intention.
There are words that are far more violent than a strike. I think we can probably all agree that punishments are very context and intention influenced.
I submit also that to assume all kids need to be spanked is just as much, if not more of a fallacy than assuming that no kids ever should be spanked under any circumstances. It depends on the child, approach, and parent.
What seems to be MOST important is, whatever the method, for parents to be able to exercise some modicum of control over their emotions, and avoid disciplining out of anger. Avoid disciplining out of fear.
I do believe, also, that for parents to be able to accomplish this more nuanced, intuitive view of discipline – we must stop automatically judging those who approach things differently than we think we would. We need to look a little deeper. And we must walk in their moccasins a little more.
Hi Dr.Brown,
I appreciate your thoughts and the opportunity for dialogue with you. We are actually more in agreement than disagreement on several points. I do agree that it is very difficult to bring any kind of nuance, or context to a conversation on twitter, but twitter sure is a good tool to bring awareness to important topics for further investigation.
Just because I tweet a link to an article, it doesn’t mean I endorse or believe what the article is saying. In fact, I sometimes tweet links to articles that contain information, or opinions contrary to my beliefs or understanding, because I’m personally and professionally always exploring the questions of how children develop, and which parenting and teaching practices are effective and lead to good outcomes, etc.
I am happy to identify myself as one of the Caucasian educators and colleagues involved in the twitter discussion with you, and I stand by my assertion that there is never a good reason to spank a child.
I am speaking as an educator, and as a human being when I make this statement. I can’t in good conscience say that “If you’ve tried everything else, then sometimes, for some children, in some circumstances, spanking may be OK,” because I don’t believe it. I’m a bit of an idealist, and I dream of living in a world where children are not seen as “bad” or disobedient and in need of corporal punishment in order to “learn a lesson”.
I don’t come from a place of judgment and blame towards parents that do spank their children, nor do I believe I am being dogmatic when I state that in my opinion, based on my personal life experiences (I was spanked as a child), as well as my education, observations, and experience as an early childhood professional, there is never a good reason to spank a child as a means of discipline.
I’ve often observed that spanking is what adults do when they don’t know what else to do, and it by and large sends the wrong message, and doesn’t have the intended results in the long term.
I am aware that there are varying opinions, studies that show various outcomes, and varying cultural norms around the practice of spanking children as a form of discipline, and I believe it is my responsibility and duty as an educator to be open minded, educated, and aware of these various views.
I feel a huge responsibility to the children and parents I am honored to “teach” and guide, and I don’t come from a place of judgment at all. I come from the place of having witnessed the great love most parents have for their children, and the desire they have to raise their children to “do good, and be good.” It’s no easy task.
It has been my observation that most often, people parent their own children in the same way they were parented, and families that choose spanking as a form of discipline don’t have access to the kind of support and information that would allow them to see or practice another way to discipline children.
For me, it’s not a cultural issue- it’s a larger question of basic human dignity, respect and non-violence for even the youngest children- treating others as we’d like to be treated- even when they’ve “done wrong.”
So I will continue to put forth the notion that “It is possible (and desirable) to discipline children without resorting to spanking them.”
Sometimes, a person has to take a strong stand on an important issue, and for me, this is one of those issues.
By the way,I agree the article you mentioned could have been better written, and more objective. As for the idea of a “naughty chair” – I don’t agree with that as a form of discipline either- but I suspect that is a topic for another blog post, and another comment!
Thanks so much for the thoughtful post, for challenging me to think, and for the forum.
I am a Mother, not a Doctor or Educator by profession, yet hold both titles in my home
I am not opposed to spanking per se. My objection is when it is used as the 1st course of action in an attempt to correct an action or behavior. Children can and will get it, when you address them firmly, clearly and with eye contact, CONSISTENTLY. The problem arises when spanking is out of shear frustration, or stress that the parent is experiencing. This signifies a loss of control by the adult if it becomes the primary source of discipline.
Ofcourse, nothing is absolute & one size does not fit all. “Spare the rod, spoil the child?”
It’s hard to justify, when a spanking is appropriate. I will say that, spanking regularly, coupled with harsh tones/words are ineffective and devalue both parent and child. I’ve often wondered when witnessing this behavior in public, when parents are yelling, swearing, spanking….have they said I love you to this child? do the hugs given, outnumber the wacks handed out?
Growing up my parents were split..Dad believed in talking. Mom, well she didn’t. Fortunately, I was an obedient child and only remember 1 spanking. As a parent I’ve not had to resort to this method, although I have threatened in the past. With most children, I think the earlier(in age) you speak to them, eye to eye, with clarity, the better your chances of it being a very effective form of discipline along with time outs and taking away privileges. Consistency is key! Early & Often!!
~ A Mother’s humble opinion